Divorce is a fact of life.  Most estimates hold that over 50 percent of first marriages will end in divorce.  One of the most important concerns for divorcing parents is the welfare of the children.  Divorce represents a loss and has an undeniable effect on children.   Fortunately, divorcing parents can mitigate against the negative consequences of this loss depending on how they cope with the divorce, and how they go about parenting their children.

Unfortunately, not all parents seem equally dedicated toward shielding their children from the damaging effects of divorce.  Some parents are openly hostile with the other parent in the presence of the children.  Some use the children to convey messages, seek information, or ferry the child support payments.  Still others expose their children to negative information about the other parent in an effort to gain an “ally” in their struggle to emerge victorious.  While these parents might say that they are protecting their children, their actions have the effect of placing their children exposed on the front lines.

In these situations, the other parent is often left with a helpless, sinking feeling.  They feel powerless to counteract the disparaging remarks and false or unnecessary information provided by the other parent to the children.  The children in these families may act out their anger and confusion, and many appear at times to “side” with the contaminating parent.  The other parent feels hopeless to do anything but sit by idly as their children become further enmeshed into the divorce battle and grow further alienated from them.  In their anger and pain, these parents often find themselves saying things to their children that they later regret.

Is there hope?

Yes.  There are many things that a parent can do to protect their children from the acrimony of a contentious divorce.  These are steps that a parent can take regardless of the actions of the other parent.  You do not have to feel helpless and you do not need to make the problem worse.  The solution is becoming clear about your goals and learning the attitudes and skills to help you be the parent who your children need and deserve. 

What can I do?

While the answers can be oversimplified, you are entirely capable of:

1. Being the role model your children deserve.
2. Learning how to respond to your children’s questions without giving answers they do not need to know or should not have to worry about.
3. Understanding your child’s complex emotions in a manner that facilitates your ability to respond empathically and avoid power struggles.
4. Empowering yourself to be in control of the manner in which you and the other parent communicate.
5. Gaining realistic expectations of the other spouse so that you are not continually left angry, disappointed and hurt.

We can help

At the Associates in Human Development Counseling, LLC, we regularly work with divorcing and divorced parents to help them raise children who are confident, resilient, and who can, most importantly, devote their energy and attention just to being kids.  We also work with children to help them process the complex emotions that occur when parents divorce and gain the self esteem they need for the emotional and psychological growth.  Let us help you to face your co-parenting challenges and to gain confidence in being the parent you want to be – the parent you and your children can be proud of.